Waiting and waiting (in vain for your love?)

I feel like I am always just waiting for my life to begin... waiting for money, for my degree to end and I can start my career, for when I move out. God, I am so bored of waiting. On a different note, I mostly wanted to moan about someone who drinks too much, does irresponible things and then worres about them, asks my opinion and gets surprised when I say that she acted irresponsibly. Or gets annoyed when I shrug and say OK. Bloody people. I can't wait for this all to be over, one way or another.
I don't feel well and it's Christmas in less than a week. I am doing all of the cooking for my family so I'd better get better!
Also, I cannot wait for my credit card to get here so I can actually buy what I need for Christmas. Man, I wish I had money...

one more moan on this beautiful Sunday

I am not psychic. I am bored of asking 'how high?' when you tell me to jump. I am sick of being reliant on you all for money. Stupid me for becoming a student. I am tired of always having to back down and be always being on your side, or your side or your side. I would like to be on my side. Which is no side at all. You're all wrong. I am sorry that sometimes I am thoughtless because I have an awful lot going on in my head. I am not feeling sorry for myself and I do not want to cry. I am not sad. I am merely frustrated that I have to constantly tip-toe on egg shells all of the time and yet if I am feeling sad or tearful or anxious or like crying, I am being melodramatic. And a troublemaker. And don't accuse me of not caring for our dogs. I do. I stress out. I take them to the vet. I complain to the vet about poor service. I trek to and fro across London. I may not have paid completely for things, but, trust me, I have paid.

So, shaddap. Stop fucking griping and guilt-tripping and moaning. And arguing.

I shouldn't be judgemental

but I don't like it when people cheapen themselves, know that I won't and don't approve and expect something more friendly than 'ok, well that was a bit cheap, wasn't it?' as a reply to their sordid, drunken fumblings.
This is my message to you Rudy:
I thought more of you than that, is all, I guess. I thought you of all people would not behave in a manner that you chastise others for behaving in and you can justify it all you like. I am not the one to judge you, you can do that all on your own. I just don't understand. I don't care how drunk, stoned or tired (or needy) you were. I don't care that you did it (I sure have heard worse) I just care that you felt the need to tell me, in the way that you did, like I cared and THEN got a bit annoyed that I had nothing to say in response to your big, grand revelation. Grow up. That's my advice. Grow up and concentrate on getting your degree. Stop drinking so much and getting yourself into situations that you are uncomfortable with. Your latest Facebook update was another thinly veiled cryptic message about regretful shenanigans. I dread to ask, so I won't. After all, I have an essay to write. See? Priorities. Dumbo!

How I Wasted Reading Week and how it all went wrong

Not only have I done no work, no reading, no planning and no dissertation stuff but I have now got a massive cut on my right thumb. OUCH! Being right-handed is at my disadvantage for the moment.
I am sure that my 2 assignments due on Tuesday will be done, after all they are only 2,500 words (altogether!). I shall be fine.
I worry too much. About time, money, the dogs, my thumb (although only since yesterday), my parents, my brothers, my future, my love life...
I need to take Valium perhaps.
The Apprentice is on so I shall watch that, then American Dad, then eat a biscuit then go to sleep, then wake up, trek to Mile End, attend lecture and seminar then DO SOME FUCKING WORK, then relax... It's a lot to get through.

3rd year, which is 4th year of my 5 year plan. Got that?

So, week 5 begins tomorrow and I am getting all antsy as usual. I shall, one day, when all of this is behind me, finally be calm about everything. I may go eat some biscuits.
I am supposed to have read the novel Wieland by tomorrow, The Years by Tuesday and Hetty Feather by Thursday. Think I'll just read the end of Wieland...
Or I may go eat some biscuits instead.

Not even 1:30am and I am tired

I am finally to leave the house tomorrow... 48 hours indoors and several batches of Rice Krispie cakes are enough to drive anyone up the freaking wall. I am seriously considering selling all of my possessions in an attempt to have a little bit of spending money.
Am having a mini-solo party in my room at the moment, watching an episode of League of Gentleman that was on about 2 days ago. And they say we have more choice nowadays!! Liars!
I need a life.

Neck ache and loose wires

So, I really don't have anything at all to write about as I have no thoughts. I really need to go back to school or something. I am so bored... ugh!
I absolutely, positively cannot wait for my student loan payment, but I have to wait. Until the 23rd, so just under 3 weeks. COME ON!
I have finally got a C grade for mathematics GCSE so my 5 year plan is still right on track. Thank the gods of any and all descriptions.
My eyes are really rubbish and I am getting an eye-test as soon as I get money. I am thinking of getting prescription sunglasses, which will be very novel, if a little late for this year, the sun has already given up... tut!

Stir Crazy

I haven't left the house in 2 days and my sleeping pattern is all messed up again... :(
Need to go out, anywhere, tomorrow (today, you know?) and smell the fresh London air that I miss oh so much. I wish it wasn't this way.
One day I shall live alone and do as I please and all will be well in the world, or at least this small corner of it that is mine. Is that too much to ask? Perhaps, perhaps.
My friend told me I need to let people 'in' more. Maybe that story about the little goat children and the wolf got to me more than I realised. HAHAHA. OK lame joke, but I just don't see why others are so concerned with my single status. She said 'you're so lovely and intelligent, and people can see that, but you push them away!' I thought: uh huh.
And...?

My Oh My...

it's been a long time. I am recovering from a damaged hand, but all is well if still a little numb. Nerve damage?
Bored as hell and cannot wait for 3rd year to start so that it'll finish and then I can get onto the career-stage of my life.
I FINALLY got Swastika Night, the novel about a dystopian Nazi future... can't wait to read it and at least this way I have to read it for a valid reason and so the price tag is worth it. I already have a ton of books to read but Millie and Tia aren't getting along so am paranoid and hyper aware of them and can't just relax and read a fucking book.

Think I should attempt to get some sleep now (but will read a little of my book first!)

just to stop smoking and stop drinking, yeah I've been thinking I've got my reasons...

I need to stop drinking, especially on a night out when I am feeling drunk. I used to know my limits. I am such a fucking idiot. I am resolved. I need to stop. STOP!
I have 2 weeks before several things happen. First, student loan payment comes on 4th May, then 2 dissertation proposals are due (of which, ONE is done), then my place-name origin project is due (first draft done-ish), then nearer the end of May my 2 final essays are due of which NOTHING is done. UH OH
Mathematics now. W00t, as they say. Although really it's an FML moment

Procrastination is cancerous

and I really need to stop procrastinating and get on with some goddamn work... ugh!
I am hoping that by typing this I am getting the ball rolling and kick-starting my mind into writing.
I need to write two dissertation proposals. That's all. Maybe I'll do it now!

The British Library

After many years of frustration, I have finally successfully joined the British Library. What a weird place. You must enter the Reading Room with only some paper and pencils in a clear plastic bag. On the clear plastic bags are many rules. NO COATS, BAGS AND UMBRELLAS; NO PENS OR HIGHLIGHTERS; NO SHARP IMPLEMENTS; NO FOOD, DRINK OR BOTTLED WATER; NO CAMERAS (forgetting that 99% of mobile phones have cameras on them) and remember to have clean dry hands. They'd check behind your ears if they could.
The locker room is also very hilarious, being almost exactly like a swimming pool changing room. I could almost smell the chlorine and nearly stripped to my underwear in preparation for the pool. I contained myself though and behaved myself (by that I mean I didn't laugh inappropriately).
And on that note, I think I am spending far too much time alone as I am forgetting (or not caring to remember?) how to behave in public. I mutter to myself and give vent to my dark thoughts about my fellow human beings. I cannot wait for this degree to be over so I can get on with having a life. Or what might pass for one anyway...

On a more positive note, I really would like to write my dissertation on dystopian fiction and having skim read a thrilling book on social commentary and dystopian fiction I know I would hooked on the topic and actually find it interesting! Hmmm good luck to me on getting my proposal accepted!

Anyway, onward and upward. Must finish my Learning Journal (it IS due next week!).

good past friends and odd dreams

Facebook has finally done the decent thing and put me in contact with someone I a) don't already hang out with/see and b)had no way of contacting. Thank God for Facebook. For once. So nice to hear from her... funny how things change and yet don't change at all. Interesting.
Had an odd dream. Nuff said.
I want to go out, but my friends are wankers and I'm bored of my own company. Maybe I'll randomly call someone and hope for my boredom to be sated that way.
I'm hungry. WeightWatcher's Chicken Noodle Soup is wack, although only 1/2 a point. Which is good. I suppose, reluctantly.
I need a flat.

Reading Week

Thank the good lord above, I have a week off. So I have wasted the weekend doing nuffink, but tomorrow, oh tomorrow! 2 ARS assignments are due, 1 Change and Variation in the English Language and 1 Representing London...
I really would love to get higher than a 60 hence why I am so keen on doing my essays and attempting to think of a dissertation topic so I can start researching it now.

I think that some of my idleness is down to the weather. It is so FREEZING that I cannot be bothered to get out of bed. No, not bothered. That's the wrong word. I cannot bear to get out of bed, because the second I leave it, I freeze. My hands are like ice. Damn this weather. Damn this cold. Damn this time of year, generally, in this hemisphere.

So. I have decided. I shall do my washing, RIGHT NOW, have a shower (maybe a bath), watch Being Human, get up early tomorrow and DO MY WORK! It has been decided.
I have also decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich. So, that's my sunday evening planned. Fucking exciting ain't it?

My shameful taste in music

I did a bad and sickening thing, just now. Right this second. I downloaded Cheryl Cole's Fight for this Love song. Bad bad bad bad person. But, can I help it that it's so damned catchy. In my defence I also downloaded Rolling Stones' Paint it Black. I feel that I am redeemed.
Bought Battleship the other day... still haven't played it. Sad emoticon face here. But I won't actually type a sad emoticon face.
Reading Week next week, cannnnnot wait, really need to get into the groove again and not be so damned lazy. Can't wait for ummm the Summer? The weather to improve? My life to begin? A decent grade? No.
I know.
I can't wait for the time that I can stop waiting. Not because I won't have anything to look forward to but because my degree will be over and I will be doing what I want to.

I hope!

1,2,3 or 4 reasons to be blue

Although easier than going to a boring, soul-destroying job, studying is difficult. Maybe I should get out more, not concentrate solely on my degree. Whenever I have gone out, though, I am filled with guilt and a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Two or three or four other issues: Number the 1. I sent away the meter man because no one had told me we were going to get a new meter. Therefore, I (wrongly) assumed that we did not need his services. Anyway, he told me he was going to read the meter, not replace it. Had he told me he was going to replace it, I would naturally have let him in. The fool! I told my Dad and rang up the electicity company and they will send a new man (perhaps the old man, not that he was old, you know what I mean). So that's fixed, but not til next Wednesday. D'oh!
Number 2: My brother (the youngest of the brothers, but not THE youngest as that is me) infected the computer in the living room. I told hom not to click, but he clicked and now I will have to fix it for I am IT support, apparently. But, what nobody seems to understand is I only have a rudimentary grasp on IT and computers but it has been designated as my job. It stresses me out and I need all the boys to leave me alone and not ask questions whilst I fix it. And they don't do they? AND they ask over and over again how this problem (whatever problem) has happened. I DON'T KNOW!! My usual advice is to turn it off and on again... alas, with a virus that doesn't fix the problem does it?
Also on the subject of computers is number 3. My Mum wants me to print off some pictures, easy peasy but No! They have to be x sized, No! bigger, OH! the quality's not great is (I told you blowing it up would blur it)... I just wish that people would 1. hear me 2. listen to me and 3. believe me.
There may have been a fourth problem but I am too sick-feeling to think of it and I have a lot of reading to do too.
There are many things I could complain about but, hey, at least I have my health. I genuinely mean that and do not wish to sound moany and ungrateful.
I have a test on Saturday for maths which I keep forgetting things for (my GCSE certificates, tracing paper, my learning agreement). You think that's bad? We've been doing this class since September and half the class still don't have the book! Also, my math's mate has gone AWOL and I can't seem to get through to her phone for some reason. Many of the student's are getting whiny about the course and I still have to go to university as well as study bloody maths. . I feel that there is a limited amount of space in my brain, and that I would just like to go a live in a box or a hole with a small animal for company (perhaps a ferret) and some choclate for sustenance. Or something.
Maybe I am just feeling a little bit blue. I don't know. I don't know anything. Except that I feel like going to bed for a week and starting again another day.
P.S. The guy sitting next to me at uni is FUCKING annoying and I would like to stab him in the face...

eurgh

Feeling awfully melancholy, but keep on reminding myself that I have my health, I am not in debt to the point that I may lose my home, everyone around me is still here, school is going OK... etc, etc, etc. And yet I have been sitting here for several hours (days, but who's counting?) with tears in my eyes and greyness in my mind.
This all sounds terribly ominous, but I feel like a silly teenager. Ugh!
Depression? Hmmmm... I don't like to sound so dramatic and clinical. I just feel a bit sad.

Anyway!