I think I like you, or maybe I'm just bored?

Oh dear! But then I have always had a soft spot for you...
hmmm...
I shan't behave like an adolescent. It's just not right or becoming. And I shall stop thinking about you. I shall cease and desist. I have a lot of control over my emotions. Really.
I will see you next month, but it is nothing to do with seeing you, you understand? And I shall put out of my mind that you were very pleasant to talk to and said 'hello' to me in a genuinely pleased to see me kinda way.
I think I am just bored...
I am a very boring person, you know?

I feel funny and I might die

Although, I may be being melodramatic and hypochrondiacal. Probably not a word but you know what I mean. I am currently at university in the very cold and not aptly named 'The Hive'. There is nothing hive-like about this place. And not one bee to be found either, although that's probably a blessing. I am on 500 words of a 3000 word essay. I have very little to say about the book I am writing about and very little to write in my essay, but it'll get done one way or another. I am being positive and optimistic and the fact is it is only worth 50% of a second year module. I figure that if I get a minimum of 50 for it I shall have got a C overall for the module and, as I found it difficult and only read one of the texts then that is a great result. Way to go to me. I might go grab a coffee and re-consolidate my thoughts (thought) and figure out what bollocks shit I am going to write next. It is 10 to 6 and the library closes at midnight. I do not want to be here til late but I have to do what I have to do. See? Positivity!
HAH!!
On a slightly different note, I have just 10 weeks left of lectures and then it is all over. WOWZA!

I have reached the limit on my 'emergency' credit card and so have to wait a week until I can afford to leave the house again and I have done zero work on my dissertation or either of my essays. I am freezing to buggery in my fridge of a bedroom (I am writing this whilst wearing my coat) and my eyesight is all funny. Too much time spent looking at this computer screen. I realllllly need to DO something. I need to leave the house. I need to read some books. I need to write my essays and I need to get on with IT.
I am such a dick-head, knob-brain.
Happy New Year!!!

Waiting and waiting (in vain for your love?)

I feel like I am always just waiting for my life to begin... waiting for money, for my degree to end and I can start my career, for when I move out. God, I am so bored of waiting. On a different note, I mostly wanted to moan about someone who drinks too much, does irresponible things and then worres about them, asks my opinion and gets surprised when I say that she acted irresponsibly. Or gets annoyed when I shrug and say OK. Bloody people. I can't wait for this all to be over, one way or another.
I don't feel well and it's Christmas in less than a week. I am doing all of the cooking for my family so I'd better get better!
Also, I cannot wait for my credit card to get here so I can actually buy what I need for Christmas. Man, I wish I had money...

one more moan on this beautiful Sunday

I am not psychic. I am bored of asking 'how high?' when you tell me to jump. I am sick of being reliant on you all for money. Stupid me for becoming a student. I am tired of always having to back down and be always being on your side, or your side or your side. I would like to be on my side. Which is no side at all. You're all wrong. I am sorry that sometimes I am thoughtless because I have an awful lot going on in my head. I am not feeling sorry for myself and I do not want to cry. I am not sad. I am merely frustrated that I have to constantly tip-toe on egg shells all of the time and yet if I am feeling sad or tearful or anxious or like crying, I am being melodramatic. And a troublemaker. And don't accuse me of not caring for our dogs. I do. I stress out. I take them to the vet. I complain to the vet about poor service. I trek to and fro across London. I may not have paid completely for things, but, trust me, I have paid.

So, shaddap. Stop fucking griping and guilt-tripping and moaning. And arguing.

I shouldn't be judgemental

but I don't like it when people cheapen themselves, know that I won't and don't approve and expect something more friendly than 'ok, well that was a bit cheap, wasn't it?' as a reply to their sordid, drunken fumblings.
This is my message to you Rudy:
I thought more of you than that, is all, I guess. I thought you of all people would not behave in a manner that you chastise others for behaving in and you can justify it all you like. I am not the one to judge you, you can do that all on your own. I just don't understand. I don't care how drunk, stoned or tired (or needy) you were. I don't care that you did it (I sure have heard worse) I just care that you felt the need to tell me, in the way that you did, like I cared and THEN got a bit annoyed that I had nothing to say in response to your big, grand revelation. Grow up. That's my advice. Grow up and concentrate on getting your degree. Stop drinking so much and getting yourself into situations that you are uncomfortable with. Your latest Facebook update was another thinly veiled cryptic message about regretful shenanigans. I dread to ask, so I won't. After all, I have an essay to write. See? Priorities. Dumbo!

How I Wasted Reading Week and how it all went wrong

Not only have I done no work, no reading, no planning and no dissertation stuff but I have now got a massive cut on my right thumb. OUCH! Being right-handed is at my disadvantage for the moment.
I am sure that my 2 assignments due on Tuesday will be done, after all they are only 2,500 words (altogether!). I shall be fine.
I worry too much. About time, money, the dogs, my thumb (although only since yesterday), my parents, my brothers, my future, my love life...
I need to take Valium perhaps.
The Apprentice is on so I shall watch that, then American Dad, then eat a biscuit then go to sleep, then wake up, trek to Mile End, attend lecture and seminar then DO SOME FUCKING WORK, then relax... It's a lot to get through.